|A sketch from an emergency mental vacation back in August 2018|
Hi there Pinky Punks!
I'm going to just jump into this one. I've wanted to write about this for a long time but never really knew how to. If you know me in real life, then you already know all of this - I have not been quiet about it. Last year at the end of September I had a total mental break down.
I had been suffering from undiagnosed extreme depression and anxiety for a long time, I just didn't know it. I did not believe it. I didn't think it was anything, and that everyone felt the way I did - just they were more mature and able to handle their issues. I viewed myself as weak and childish for not being able to push through normal day to day stuff, like going to work. There were days that felt like long dark hallways and I was numb to everything but the hatred I had for myself. Scrutinizing everything I may have done wrong. I hated myself so much. It got so bad I had started to seriously consider suicide and I had a plan in place.
I tried to reach out for help but really didn't know how to do it without being judged, or feeling even worse about it. I just felt guilty about everything. Those I spoke to about it at first did not take me seriously, or at least it felt like they didn't. Ya'see, your brain tries to tell you that no-one cares. It wasn't really until last September, when I had a full blown mental breakdown that everyone, including myself, realized how bad this all had become.
|A sketch from one of my "low" times from 2017|
"Mental breakdown" is such a vague term so let me try and explain briefly what had happened. My Mother and I got into a disagreement. I, not at all in the right state of mind to give or receive any kind of feed back, acted in emotional desperation. My instincts told me to punish and hurt myself, right in front of my mother. I have had a long history of hurting myself but had had it under control since high school - something inside me snapped that day. I began to tear at the skin of my arms with my nails and bang my head violently against the counter as hard as I could, Screaming, "Listen to me! I'm sorry! Please listen to me!" It sounds silly typing this out; like I was a small child having a temper tantrum, but believe me when I tell you it was horrifying. I really scared her...
She took me to the hospital where I spent three days under observation. I will admit those were the three worst days of my life. Nothing like being "locked up" with your thoughts, regrets, and self disdain. They let me out and the medication they put me on made me sleep for another three days. The hospital also prescribed an antidepressant which aided in me gaining a lot of weight in a very short amount of time; something I have a huge hang up about. I was happy to be home but felt nothing but regret for my actions, and for missing more work. I'm so lucky to work for a company that treats mental health very seriously and supported me as best they could.
I was out of work for the entire month of October and under the observation of a therapist/social worker and a psychiatrist that the hospital had assigned to me. I know this is where the story is supposed to get better... it didn't. The thing about mental health is you need to find the right help for you. Not every therapist is going to work for you. I can say in hindsight they, the social worker and psychiatrist, actually made me worse. Back at the beginning of August 2018 I started to think about killing myself again; my therapist told me I needed to stop playing the victim and grow up. My psychiatrist told me I should be, "fixed" by now. I would have walked out on them then and there if I wasn't so dizzy from crying. It was a bad time...
I'm here to tell you, if ANYONE in the mental health field ever tells you, "You should be fixed by now" You should get up and walk out. There are people in therapy for their whole lives! And yes it takes a lot of work to help your brain think right. Start by finding the right help and don't subject yourself to bullsh*t!
|Let's walk, Let's talk... Stepping Together to Prevent Suicide - Long Beach 2018|
I'm working on it! I think after this very long year, I'm finally getting the right help.
If you ever feel alone, or have those dark thoughts, or are just numb to any emotion try to find some help. And not just any help, You need to find a safe person. A good place to start is a crisis hotline. Also, a lot of jobs offer counseling and mental health services; and these people are professional and sensitive to your situation. Don't let it get as far as I did!
Remember you are beautiful and unique and maybe the way your brain works is a little f*cked up but thats not a reason to let it consume you. You are so much stronger than you think for dealing with it but that doesn't mean you don't need help. If you have no one to turn to, you can turn to me! As you may have read, I have a little experience and may be able to point you in the right direction. You are not alone!
If you may be feeling emotionally lost, reach out to the national suicide lifeline. These are trained crisis professionals; even if you may not consider yourself suicidal, reach out!
Call 1-800-273-8255 for the suicide lifeline
XXOO, give me a kiss before you go